Exes

Over the last few weeks, possibly over a month, I have had the urge to call my ex to see how he was doing. The last time we spoke was months ago, when he randomly called me and the conversation like every other conversation we have had since we broke up, was disappointing. The official two year mark since we split was this past June. After we parted, he became less and less of the person I knew as my first love. He drank, he never seemed happy or excited, he was rude, belligerent. This was in no way the person I had spent 4 1/2 years with. He hadn't wanted to break up. It was my choice. I left him. I hurt him. And he kept getting worse and worse each time we'd speak. I stopped talking to him thinking it was me that brought out the worst in him.

Partly out of selfish motives (not wanting to feel guilty for leaving him and hurting him so badly) and partly to see how he was doing, I rang him yesterday evening to touch base and see what was new in his life. Any other time in the past two years he and I have spoken, I could not tell him if I was involved with someone else because he admitted he would be too jealous. This time, he came out and told me he had a girlfriend of 4 months so I felt justified in telling him the truths of my life, the new apartment, and all the news.

He seemed better, happier although he still lingered on his dislike of his job, he still drinks, and still has an overall puss on his face. But he is with someone. He isn't alone anymore, which was the hardest part for him. The loneliness. I thought to myself, 'wow, he and I might actually have a chance at being friends- perhaps meet for tea.' He then told me his current girlfriend wouldn't approve of him talking to me. He told me she thought if he spoke to me, that his feelings for me would return. My retort: 'You can't be with someone for that long and feel nothing. Even if all you feel is nostalgia for a different part of your life and self. We are different people now and two years has gone by.' He said he knew that but it would still bother her. I then asked if it would be problematic if I called him on his birthday in Sept to wish him a happy day, and he said that I shouldn't. Lame, I thought. But it's his choice, and if he's happy, I don't want to do anything to hinder that.

In any case, I finally had some closure to that relationship that seemed to have happened in another life. I'm happy he's moved on, and that he's happy, or as happy as he'll ever let himself be. He is planning on going back to school for engineering. I'm actually very proud of him. And felt good as we got off the phone. A bit sad that he feels we shouldn't speak, but all the same, whatever helps his life work- I'm happy to oblige.