The Teacher or The Taught

We just had our first volleyball game of the season and it was a win. I'm happy that we won. The girls have worked hard and they deserve it, but this post isn't so much about the win tonight. It's about growing up and being an adult- teaching as opposed to being taught. When the world is a larger part of what you create than what people give to you. I coach. I'm an assistant coach and through that role I've learned lots about volleyball, but here is the kicker: I don't get to apply my skills. I feel like someone has given me the keys to a car, but then tells me I'm not allowed to drive it. I watch the girls and I just think how much I could invest in playing, how much joy I find in sports. I could join a league and play once a week. But that is completely different than being a part of a team and improving through a season. Like a hum turning into a bellow.

I don't want to be 18. I'm not missing my youth. I'm young. Perhaps one of my problems is that I could still be on the team if I was in school full time. Instead of sweating on a court I'm tucked into tan pants that aren't long enough and cheering. Now, I love being able to help them be better players. It's about my own desire to still play.

I feel this way sometimes when I have too much to do and that is certainly the case right now. That I'm living my life to do things for other people instead of reaching my own potential. I'm in school and this week I haven't written once. No time. I've worked at my job, and I've coached. But I don't feel like I've had the outlet I need. Perhaps Sunday I'll get to play, but perhaps not. I feel like my body is useless and being wasted. I feel like I agree to do too many things than I really can fit in a day. And then when I finally get a moment to myself, I want to sleep instead of writing. Teaching will be different than coaching. I'll be a writer. Teaching will be a way of being able to write. Coaching is different. There is no playing while being a coach.

Perhaps I'm just being dramatic, but I want to be selfish. I miss playing sports and challenging my body- the mode your mind gets into when in the middle of a play. It's adrenalin, it's reacting, and it's something I feel we do less and less as we get older.

Anyway, now I'm going to stop talking, calm myself down and just maybe get rid of my tense shoulders and headache. We'll see.