Jack and Emma

Just me

Us Two- a reading by my mother

Grams and Plosk

Rocking Chair

Children

I'm reading an anthology called the poet's child. It has greats such as Hayden Carruth, Lucille Clifton, as well as other lesser known poetry like "Magic Words to Cure a Sick Child," an inuit song. Children. The whole process is so baffling. My cousin is now pregnant, and another person I know has just told me he and his wife are having twins. My response, "Wow, congratulations, I don't envy you." That is partial truth and partial lie. I'm not ready for children. I am committed to waiting at least 5 years so I can have my masters degree finished, my first book published, etc. I want to have a moderate amount of personal success before I could even fathom taking care of someone else. The part that I envy is simply he and his wife's personal success that has allowed them to now say, 'we are ready to take this step.' I felt ready for marriage even though I had never imagined being ready at such a young age. I know a child is far in the distance, but it's still exciting that I know I am with someone I will eventually take that step with.

On the negative side, two people my co-worker knows have had miscarriages in their seventh or eight month. They have funerals for the dead children that they still have to give birth to. Horrific and wonderful things can happen during a pregnancy. The fear and stress alone of your body malfunctioning in some way is terrifying. In any case, it remains natural for such things to take place, although I have never experienced an event like that. When I think of still born babies, I think of Margaret Atwood's description of Econowifes and the little coffins they carry in their cheap black garments. The dead fetuses are called "unbabies" or "shredders."

At the bodies exhibit at the seaport, I did not look around me in the room that carries fetuses and dead baby parts. I turned my eyes to the floor, and quickly hurried to the next room. I moved from the reproductive system to the circulatory without so much as a glance at the corpses lying before me. They were supposed to be fascinating and as much as I don't abide by religion or religious imagery, I picture cherubs dead and falling from the sky, descending from the ceilings of chapels and cathedrals. I think of baby birds that are naked and I have passed in the spring time as they have fallen out of their nests. I wonder if I will be fortunate enough to one day have a healthy pregnancy and be a happy parent.

Plosk has been speaking of what great parents he believes we will be together. I have suggested we create a box of all things we would one day like to show the child we hope to have together. Slowly gaining excitement and momentum by storing little treasures away, like a squirrel does waiting for winter. One day I will be ready for a child, but my own success must come first. Having a child anytime soon would be for me a cowards way out. I would focus on someone else instead of myself and my own goals. To have a child now would mean I have nothing of my own to give to the world so I must create something to do it for me.

Early Mornings

I am of the opinion that early morning jobs take away from a person's creativity. When I wake up in the morning to an alarm, my mind has no way of acclimating to the day. I have no time to reflect on what I will do, or ponder ideas behind something I may be working on. An alarm is an abrupt and cruel interruption of the sub conscious. When I don't have to wake up for anything, I linger in bed after I have slowly woken up. I grab my computer next to my bed, and I begin to write the ideas that have been swimming in my brain. But that is only on a weekend if I'm lucky. During the week, my alarm goes off at 7 am and I'm out of the apt by 7:35. I more and more feel that this is a form of cruelty to the mind and body. Waking up naturally is the way to go. 8 or 9 am, and hello Word or Text Edit. But sadly I'm at work already. One day I'll have the morning to myself. I'll know then that I have a little bit of freedom in my life.

The Ceremony

1-7-06 at The Red Lion

This past Saturday, Plosk and I were married at The Red Lion Inn in Stockbridge MA.

We spent months perfecting the ceremony we created together. I wrote the text, while we edited and brain stormed ideas together. It was as one person said, well researched, and really expressed our own ideas and philosophies.

All I will say about the ceremony and reception is that it all went perfectly. In fact, it went better than I imagined. There was only one disappointment that has yet to be dealt with but this is not a forum for that.

I am sitting in bed writing this with a ring on my finger, and excited for my husband to get home. I really like saying and thinking that. My husband. He looked so dashing in his suit and tie. The funny part is, other than a few words, nothing has really changed. Our lives have been made easier - in the way that our society gives perks to married people. But we have lived together for nearly a year. We have owned property together since June. I have felt married since we decided to do it in September. This weekend served as a fabulous party to publicly declare what we already knew. It was a chance for us to shine with our friends and family and really live it up for a weekend. I am married. I had always attached such negative associations with that word. But really, it's exciting. I have a partner to stand by me and a person to laugh and travel with. I had him before, but this is the beginning of a new chapter.

I have said, "You are the person I choose."

A friend of mine always talks about marriage with such contentment in her face. And I don't think I understood it until this moment. This is in fact the first moment alone I have had since, well, probably a few weeks, and definitely since the wedding. The word marriage will soon shed my old associations and soon become a word that makes me feel my relationship. It will become a word of description and I will say it with a smile on my face because I will know it. There are large moments ahead, and I have the best partner I ever could have hoped for to share them with.